The Lord is just and generous. Everything is a test. How many will be tested in order for one Jobe to be found? How many trials must I undergo in order to prove to myself that I am worthy?
The Lord creates the environment. He calls on us to be as Noah, to prepare and adapt to it. He gives no justification.
In his wisdom, he leads us from slavery through the desert. We place our trust in him. He lays us down in green pastures, he leads us beside the still waters.
To be able to sit quietly and listen to one’s own thoughts, as they are guided by G’d, is something to be learned. Yet, this feels like something that I have only recently conceived of.
How short life, and how sweet.
Bicycle stolen – Hashem works in many ways. It was daylight savings time, and I had been looking forward to riding to work. Maybe He did it to protect me from an accident. Maybe He did it to remind me not to become too attached to material things. Or maybe to relax a little and spend some more money. Or that all things that I have are borrowed.
Signed lease and moved some things into apartment – There is no cell-phone reception inside. None. But I can pay $20/mo for Wi-Fi. That’s pretty good. Maybe this is to let me spend less time alone surfing the internet. I can always go to the clubhouse and play the piano and use their internet.
I overheard a woman step away from a man she was visiting, calling a friend to tell her to call another man for her. Call this second guy Man T. She had told her mom that she would be at Man T’s place. Her mom called Man T and she wasn’t there. Man T blocked her phone number. She told her friend to call Man T to reassure him, saying “don’t listen to what my mom said. She’s crazy.”
I am staying at an Airbnb. The main lessor is subletting to me (as an Airbnb) and another guy. Call him Man R. Man R spent Sunday with his brother and sister, sightseeing in San Francisco and having Korean BBQ. He got home at about 20:00, and the lessor said “home late.” Which I thought was mean. Man R looks up to the lessor. Should have said hello.
Man R is a funny drunk, but stuck in the same patterns. He’s happy about how much money he makes, and is not yet over his ex-girlfriend.
Let go of my story. Saw a video by Wayne Dyer that we should let go of our story, meaning we tell ourselves a story by which we are convinced that we deserve something. Maybe that is something that we don’t have or have lost. But that’s not the way G’d works. The sooner we can let go of our story, the sooner we can live for today. Dr. Orion Tarraban said that the best way to redeem past suffering is loving engagement in the present.
Hashem is also testing me to see if I can forgive the one who stole the bicycle. And also reminding me how much I care for my wife – I’d bought the bike for her. It would have been perfect, though a little small for me.
In aikido practices
In studying the Torah
In studying the Torah with someone
In nudging people to responsibility
In sparks created
In truths promulgated
In helping people have a better opinion of themself
In smiling children
Show me more
Seeing small but habitual lying on the job makes me so sad.
The LORD judge between me and thee, and the LORD avenge me of thee: but mine hand shall not be upon thee.
“O LORD, correct me, but with judgment; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing.”
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We often say “don’t be judgemental,” as if judgment were a bad thing, yet Jeremiah begs for judgement, and not anger. Judgement here is guidance from someone we trust – someone who knows our strengths and faults, loves us, and can elevate us when they judge we have fallen short of what we should be aiming at.
今夜道場の方々とサルサのライブを聴きに行き、踊った。武道、舞踊、音楽三昧の一夜だった。踊っている時には、足を踏まない合間がある。それこそ、一歩一歩が大切で、安穏に踏んでいなければならない。止まる合間を感じないと動きが荒れてしまう。これはまさに武踊一如。
長年、日常でも、出張でも、暇でも、忙しくても、笑っても、落ち込んでても、毎週に規律よく稽古していたら、とにかく合気道が一つ息抜きの合間になっている。
そして、少なくても歩く時に安定に踏むことができるような体づくりになった。これからも長く、稽古の相手の皆さんが日頃の修行でそれぞれ一歩づつ邁進できるよう、心からお祈り申し上げます。
たったいま大学のコンビニでビールとナッツを買ったところ、「学生証ありますか」とも聞かないでコンビニのお兄さんが学生割引を負けてくれた。もしかして、一目学生にまた見えるのだろうか。
A Japanese person born overseas is still Japanese. In the Japanese language they are called Nisei or Sansei, or otherwise, depending on how many generations removed from Japan they are. A Taiwanese person born overseas is called “American,”even though there is a word for overseas-born: ch’iao-sheng (僑生).
In this way, Japanese are inclusive, Taiwanese are exclusive.
正勝つ、吾勝つ。Masakatsuagatsu, meaning true victory is the victory over the self, words often said by Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of Aikido, the studying of which brought me to this statement. Interestingly, it is one of the names of a child that resulted in the union between the Sun and Chaos in the legendary beginning of the world, as told by the Japanese. The full name of the this god is マサカツアガツカチハヤヒアメノオシオミミ, transliterated Masakatsuagatsu-katchihayahi-amenooshiomimi, the latter two parts translating as: the victory shall be as fast as the rising sun, and the patient straining of the rice stalks toward the sky. Speaking the name of the god invokes its power.
Training lets each day’s emergent self be victorious over yesterday’s self.
The future self’s possibilities are enfolded in the present self. We exist throughout time, inheritors of a legacy that extends back to the beginning of life, progenitors of a legacy that extends to the future – unless by accident or will we end our own lineage… Or through willful blindness.
I did not fall to the dark place suddenly, but rather through a long period of not paying attention, choosing comfort and safety, rather than clarity. Nor did I again find the light all at once but by degrees.
Consciousness is practiced in Iaido by doing things slowly, with clear intent, completing each movement before transitioning to the next. Movement and mind are the same. An improper form or a break in rhythm is indicative of a gap in consciousness. Perfect motion leads to calming of the mind. Consciousness is practiced in cooking in the same way. Doing things in the right order at the right time from memory calms the mind, even as the eating of the food nourishes the body. Cooking also makes deciding what to eat becomes less impulsive, more meditative, as one learns to listen to one’s body. Once, I had a blood test, and a day later walked by a fruit stand, saw bananas, bought a bunch and immediately ate a few. When the blood test results came back, they showed I had been low on potassium, an electrolyte that is plentiful in bananas. I was amazed, thinking – I knew, though I didn’t know how I knew, or even that I knew.
So it pays to listen to that little voice of instinct, because it is from a place of deep knowing. But, I have often been afraid to listen, because I have heard it whisper things which I did not want to hear. This is the Jungian shadow, and to the extent that we can we can converse with it, we become more Fully Human.
The shadow must be satisfied, because repression will only lead to resentment. But dark animal desires can be sublimated to a nobler form. Sexual desire emerges as motivated work, or a will to life. Competitiveness channeled becomes self-improvement. Rage when channeled becomes a certain clarity of purpose that when paired with well-executed action is calm and meditative. Despair as the figurative withdrawal to an internal monastery, for further study and transformation. Dark emotions contain a lot of information, but one must first recognize them as originating in the self, and stare into the darkness.
Failure to do so can lead to an amputated humanity. More often as one too preoccupied with being “nice.” The light is not enough – only through her union with Chaos could the Sun give birth to Life.
I am happier for getting in touch with my inner asshole. He has become a productive contributor and is less prone to outbursts.
If one is not true to ones future self, it is easy to float half in a dream, to let ones mission be replaced by proxies designed by other people. During the short time that one is not paying attention, one may find that social media and porn have replaced being social, YouTube has replaced exploration, watching a reality TV show on cooking has replaced actual experimentation in the kitchen, and reading books on productivity and self-improvement has replaced actually doing anything.
Rabbi B. once told me – we must learn to see as if we are from the past, but live fully in the present. He meant being true to the values of our forebears, but not shunning the tools of modern industrial life. This can let us avoid many recent pathologies made worse by technology. Obesity caused by addiction to carbohydrates can be treated by returning to a more primitive diet. Internet or TV addiction can be treated by finding or making a circle of friends. Consumerism is actually a misdirected desire for progress that can be cured by measuring progress in a daily practice, such as art, science, dance, or rock climbing, rather than measuring progress in material possessions.
The difference between the instant satisfaction and the daily practice is that the daily practice takes time, and progress can be small. So people watch ice skating and live vicariously rather than learning how to roller-blade.
The daily practice frees us from concerns and frustrations of not being skilled. Practice will lead to skill, if one can be observant while at the same time being unattached to the outcome. One only has to be better than the self of yesterday.
The other difference is the quick fixes are ultimately unsatisfying to the will to life. Inside us is a little god of the Quick Fix, and a little god of the Will to Life, and whomever we feed becomes stronger.
A senior student of the sword told me – it will take many years. During practice, do not rush. Do not injure yourself. Rest or change muscle groups if you are tired. If your concentration is failing, rest, because it can be dangerous to yourself and others. Practice should be joyful. Never let handling a sword become a boring or tiresome thing.
So is it with any daily practice in life.
The name of the god: マサカツアガツカチハヤヒアメノオシオミミ
As a mantra, it encompasses the following:
Every day in every way, I’m becoming stronger.
Harness and use all desires, be they of light or shadow, to give life.
Let the focus of my mind, and the meditation of my movement be complete.
Earth, Wind, and Fire 